I’ve been sober for over a year, and it’s still weird.
People misunderstand when I talk about my sobriety. They congratulate me for not drinking, or for not smoking dope, or make a generic statement about how strong I must be. They misunderstand what I mean.
I understand, really. The most common definitions most think of when you say ’sober’ are ‘not drunk; not intoxicated‘ or ‘not given to excessive drinking of alcohol‘. While I fit these definitions most of the time, they’re not what I mean when I say sober.
This isn’t to say I haven’t had problems with drugs and alcohol. That would be a lie. I used to lie, a lot, about drugs and alcohol and my use of them. Lied to those I loved, lied to those I worked with, and most often I lied to myself. It was easy to lie, then, because I wasn’t sober. I have trouble lying when I’m sober. In fact, I cringe if I hear something I know is a lie when I’m sober.
My substance abuse problems started a long time ago. To be honest, I didn’t enjoy them very much at first, but they took the edge off the pain and anxiety I was feeling. The people who introduced me, the people who I partook with, were in similar positions, I know now. They lied to me, and to themselves, that what they were doing was just to have fun.
This continued off and on for years, until sometime around 7 years ago ‘off’ became nearly extinct. I was in a lot of pain, and a lot of stress, and some of it was external to me, and some of it was my own doing, and some of it was caused by the very things I was using to escape the pain. My crutches and I were a dog chasing our own tail, too stupid to stop.
I wish I could say I sobered up then. I didn’t. I continued on in that condition for years after that.
People always want to assign blame. Were the people around me aware of what I was doing to myself? To an extent, yes, but I got really good at lying to cover up what a bad place I was in. Is there someone to blame? Yes, there is. Me.
I left NY to become sober. Could I have become sober in NY? I don’t think so. There was too much history there, too many bad habits waiting for me around every corners, alongside the memories and dark places where I hid the pain I tried to numb away.
Leaving NY hurt. Leaving NY saved my life.
Becoming sober took a while. I wasn’t sober when I landed in Wisconsin, not by a long shot. It was something that had to grow inside me with a lot of careful tending and caution. There were false starts. I sometimes tripped over myself trying too hard, but eventually, I came to realize the sobriety I’d long for.
I still drink, in moderation. I love a good Barleywine, or some Port, or a number of other delicious adult beverages.
The rest of of it… well, everything can be enjoyed in moderation, but I’m still pretty new at this sober thing, so I’m careful.
A less used definition of sober is ‘moderate; realistic; serious; self-controlled‘. This is the sobriety I’ve nurtured in the time since I left NY, and which I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life. When I look back at who I was, and how far I’ve come, I wish I’d done this years ago.
Being sober is weird, but I won’t give it up for anything.
